The ridiculousness of the educational program I have to follow made me completety lose any will to live, and I had an insane panic attack in the evening.


Shitcoding in Python temporarily lifted my mood. Also I found a cool song.


I finally finished the website, which is great. Other than that, the whole day I was trying not to blow up again because the 5-day-long mental rape starts tomorrow, and I was mostly successful.


It actually wasn’t that bad, but I felt sick as shit the whole day.


Everything was alright, except still being sick and not having quite enough time to do all the stuff I’d planned. Also my website finally doesn’t suck as much and has an actual blog.


Still sick and still no time. Fuck.


Not as sick now; still keeping on being not in the shittiest mood. Still no time, though, but the weekend is close, and I hope I’ll finally be able to experiment with my rice and watch some anime.


I genuinely felt happy like I did most of the time 4 previous days. This is really unusual, but I hope it stays.


No anime, yes rice. In any case, I’ll also have time tomorrow.


I didn’t. Also no rice this time. I could barely find anything to enjoy today. Overall, my mood got about as shitty as usual. Also I started to think more about uploading this website to Neocities, but God knows how much time it’ll take to force myself to do that if things go as they always do.


shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit shit fuck fuck shit shit fuck fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck


I spent really too much time thinking about the font size on my website for little reason. Luckily, it seems like I mostly fixed it. Other than that, the day fucking sucked, and I’m also now being forced by the place I’m studying in to participate in a completely ridiculous singing(!) competition, and I die inside every time I even think of it. I’ll, of course, try my absolute best to skip it because it’s a torture worse than almost any other one.


I nearly exploded in panic while studying, but I did it. It’ll probably cause me some trouble later, but I don’t care. After getting home, I somehow managed to lift my ass and take care of my projects, but not as much as actually writing any significant code. Overall, it could be worse, but I still wish I was dead.


No trouble yet. Except maybe having to listen to the rest of the group singing their shit the second time. Other than that, I could barely move and, of course, I didn’t do anything I’d planned.


I was so fucking tired both physically and mentally the whole day. Listening to city pop and mostly finishing ethmenu lifted my mood but not much.


The day began with nearly shitting my pants while still being in bed. After doing one study-related thing, I came back home and fell asleep at about 5 PM. I woke up at least 2 times and felt really really sick. I woke up at about 7 AM the next day, so I couldn’t actually write this entry on the stated date.


Less sick, also did some website and Python stuff. Overall, not that bad.


Everything got worse. A lot. I wish I wasn’t alive.


I finally managed to watch an anime, and it just happened to be one of the best I’ve ever seen. But it still couldn’t completely fix the fact that I feel like shit.


I kept thinking the whole day about what I’d watched, but it coupled with feeling sick created a very unpleasant surreal feeling that I’ve already experienced many times before. I hope it goes away soon. Also I planned to add bookmarks or shit to this website, but, fuck, there’s no time again.


The feeling is mostly gone, but it was replaced by suicidal thoughts. I mean, considering what a pathetic, lazy, useless, and miserable cunt I am, and what country I live in, there’s no way my life will ever get better, and it makes perfect sense to just end it all. Other than that, I still feel kinda sick and tired as fuck.


Though I feel a little bit better, nothing interesting happened except suddenly falling asleep for 6 hours.


I finally got my hands on Neocities and even almost made a cool 1990s styled theme for my website. I still feel like shit physically, but better mentally.


The theme has been mostly finished, and some new city pop has been discovered. The last thing I want to do now is to study.


Don’t want to live, don’t have any time, but do feel like shit.


It got much worse. I feel really hopeless and almost like I’m going insane. Some progress was made with Neocities, but not much, considering the aforementioned problem.


I felt even worse in the morning, but it got better after studying. The issues that caused me to feel so weren’t fixed though. The Neocities version of the website is complete, but some polishing is still needed. I added the background music, which I had to host on the Gitlab Pages version of the website because it turned out uploading audio files to Neocities is a bad idea. It was a kinda pain in the ass to exclude the audio folder from being uploaded (and rejected) each time, and I hope they won’t mistakingly ban me or something.


Pretty much nothing happened. I felt about as shitty as yesterday but had almost no time to do anything. Also I came up with a weird social media concept while studying, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever implement it.


My mood was shittier, and I definitely was thinking about killing myself more than yesterday. I was supposed to have time today, but I didn’t because I’m a lazy fucker. It’s finally the weekend, and I hope I’ll be able to do the work on my website I’d planned (polishing the Neocities version + adding more personal stuff) and watch some movies and anime I’ve wanted to watch for a long time.


I spent the whole day doing nothing and sometimes updating the website. That’s it.


The same as yesterday, except I spent even less time on the website and felt emptier inside. Also I finally followed the Neocities’ websites that I like to not lose them.


Another cool song has been found. Other than that, everything’s like yesterday but worse.


Right after writing the previous entry, I had a sudden panic attack similar to one that happened on 2020-02-07. Or is it called a mental breakdown? I’ve always used these terms more or less interchangeably, and Wikipedia and other web resources doesn’t help much with understanding. Also my self-harm went a little bit too far this time, but I guess it’s okay. While all of this was happening, I was constantly relistening that song, and I suspect overall I spent like 7 hours listening to it.

In any case, I had barely any sleep and was more than an hour late to study. After studying, I finally decided to do something to my barely alive phone after procrastinating to do that for probably more than a month. Later I watched some videos and just fell asleep for the whole day, and that was it.


I woke up several times while sleeping and felt like shit, but the classes started later than usual, so I had time to fully wake up, and it got better. While the phone is still being repaired, I have to do everything on my PC, and it’s hard as fuck because I have to be outside sometimes and really want to just lie on the bed all the time. Also I’m so stupid, I forgot to save the data from it. This includes my playlist and YouTube subscriptions. I guess I’ll have to recreate them from scratch and might as well upload them here. After getting back home, I spent the whole time doing nothing and thinking about if I should use a cloud file storage and which one.


I’m back to having almost no sleep. Also a groupmate said something that made me excessively think about suicide and I almost blew up while trying to study. I have a lot of things that I want and/or need to do, but there’s barely any time, and I doubt there will be enough on the weekend.


I felt kinda shitty, and my Internet connection did too. Pretty much nothing else happened, except I came up with another insane project idea - a digital ID card. The chances of me implementing it are even lower than for that social network one.


As I expected, I neither did anything I’d planned nor enjoyed the weekend (yet). Also I spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking if I made the wrong choice by not using a copyleft license for my projects and how I can fix the situation. I even went as far as writing a email to a licensing organization. My head is full right now and I have barely any energy to even move.


When I woke up, I felt pretty happy, and it even escalated to an almost orgasmic feeling, but later I felt kinda empty inside and drained. The only thing I managed to do is to finally recover the YouTube subscriptions. Also I listened to other Idris Muhammad’s songs and found another nice one.


I was slightly happy when the last day ended and after I woke up, but I made a huge mistake by thinking about my life while (pretending to be) studying. In any case, my phone is back, and missing it for several days has taught me some important lessons:

It also reminded me of how poorly I was backing up my data and that some of the apps that I used are outdated.


I’m so fucking tired. My mood keeps changing between a very optimistic one and the “nothing makes sense; I’m doomed” one too much in the last days. Also the government of the 3rd world country I live in proposed a thing that’s gonna take away even more democracy, and I finally got my hands on checking the thing itself. We’re actually fucked. I’m losing the last bits of hope that my life is ever gonna get better.


We finally got told about the coronavirus and shit. Since yesterday, we even have soap in the restrooms, but I have no idea why it wasn’t there in the first place. Some people (in my observation) still don’t use it. What a nasty fuckers. The classes aren’t canceled though, so I’ll still have to suffer. Considering I’m not doing shit on them and am tired as fuck, I’m probably gonna fail and get kicked the hell out, which is bad news because I’m male, and this country has fucked up mandatory military service. Even if I serve (and, of course, get traumatized), I’ll have absolutely no opportunity to become anyone in my life. Overall, actively wishing to kill myself to end this misery, but not knowing a good way to do so sucks, and it’s been one of the main reasons of me being in panic all the time for a while now. I, of course, constantly give hints of this, sometimes not entirely voluntarily, but no one gives a shit about each other, so I don’t expect help to ever arrive. Or do I even need and/or deserve it? Will the help just introduce more problems?


Pretty much nothing happened, and I still feel like shit. I have some things to do on the weekend, but something tells me that not this time again.


I feel slightly happier. Also I finally added the 2018 dream journal and the playlist on this website. More stuff is planned, I hope at least some will me implemented.


Didn’t do anything yet except upgrading to Fedora 32 Beta. Some things, of course, broke (Python because of the version change and ALSA with PulseAudio because my audio card is a steaming pile of goat shit; both are fixed now), but, other than that, everything’s okay, and the updated Sway (also the kernel and possibly other things) is fast as shit and doesn’t have some graphical problems it had before. Some weird crap is still happening because of my CPU, but I’m still excited.


The only thing I managed to do is to write a blogpost about my PC. My mood stayed almost the same. Overall, I did very little of what I’d actually planned, but who cares about that if my desktop experince finally doesn’t suck that much, and I’ve finally written something for my blog. I have to attend a military comission (or whatever it’s called) tomorrow, and I hope everything goes fine. I pretty much expect to be anxious as fuck while the whole thing is happening, and my parents, of course, aren’t even trying to be supportive, but it’s not like there’s any escape. In any case, I wish I was dead.

Update: fucking amazing song. That’s it.


The commission was mostly fine because I didn’t have time to get as anxious as I expected. They just checked our health and told us to get lost. Their “checkup”, of course, is jack shit of a real one, and I’ve been thinking of going to an actual doctor, but what am I gonna tell them if I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. In any case, my mood wasn’t that bad at first, which is good, considering it really was after I wrote the yesterday’s entry, and I even had ridiculous thoughts like considering choking myself to death right at that moment. My mom then also impolitely asked if I’m questioning my gender identity (which is apparently bad in this country) following a certain sexist appearance stereotype. No, I fucking don’t. I’m pretty sure I’m male. OR AM I? (I am.) Right now my brain isn’t doing a great job at consistently feeling happy, and I really want to be hugged to death.


The thing that made my day much worse than I expected was a constant nuclear explosion in my stomach. It was, of course, caused by my awful diet - I don’t remember the last time I actually ate any vegetables before today. Also I had a sore throat, and it made everything almost fucking unbearable. My mind was really foggy and uncertain, and my study situation is probably about to get even worse.


Nothing happened. My TODO list has grown pretty large in the last days, but I hope I’ll be able to handle it on the weekend as usual. My mood slightly improved, but I could still barely think because my brain just didn’t want to.


I can think even less - I now find it even more difficult to not only construct sentences but also to think of the next word. Also suddenly the quarantine has been actually declared, so I guess I’ll finally have some time. Also I hope if I die, I’ll die quickly. I spent some time recreating that one website from my 2018 dream, but, other than that, nothing else happened.


I decided to recreate every album cover art on this website. That’s a ridiculous task, but so far it’s been fun. Except when my desktop crashes and I get so angry I’m ready to fucking kill myself. Other than that, the day sucked, and, like Bill Wurtz said,

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.


Except a very intense mental breakdown in the morning, nothing almost happened. I spend the whole day doing album cover arts again.


I’ve seen an amazing video by Tom Scott about the topic I’ve been recently pretty interested in - the copyright system. I absolutely agree with Tom and hope that the shit is gonna get fixed in my lifetime. Other than that, I still was doing those album art covers.


Fucking albums again. 5 more this time and 5 more left. All are of Mariya Takeuchi’s albums. My mood was not that bad actually, and I even felt pretty happy in the morning. Also I’ve been recently thinking more than usual about if I might be an egg or not. I’m pretty sure I’m not. But even if I am, my name (but not my legal one unfortunately) is already as gender-neutral as it can get.


Finally finished those albums + did some more minor shit for the website. The mood still wasn’t bad but not as happy as yesterday.


I was mostly doing nothing. Finally I decided to try out hardware video acceleration again, and it turns out my piece of shit video card can handle 1080p60 videos (H.264 only and not yet in Firefox). I have a couple of movies to watch (that includes The Room and Interstellar), but I procrastinate so much I can’t even do that. I also did some other minor work on my rice like making Picture-in-Picture videos behave properly and fixing my folder hierarchy.


I’m still questioning if I’m an egg or not. I think I should make a list of reasons why I might be or might be not and maybe publish it here. Also I’ve been listening to Casiopea quite a lot in the recent days. Their songs sound so fucking great - I can’t even count how many times I’ve already relistened Mint Jams. At the same time, Sway keeps freezing all the time, and it fucking infuriates me. The fault here is probably not even Sway’s and can lie anywhere in the graphics stack. I tried to capture its logs, but it just refused to crash when I wanted it to. Luckily, the 4th attempt was successful, but it didn’t help for shit because Sway said nothing when the freeze happened. In any case, I submitted the bug report directly to the Intel Linux DRM bugtracker, and now I can only pray it gets fixed. Other than that, my mood was kinda crappyish and I still have big problems with self-care.


No list has been made yet. Also my sleep schedule keeps drifting and it gets more and more fucked up. I felt like shit and didn’t do shit.


Okay, fuck the list, now I’m just confused. I’m just not sure who the fuck I am. I constantly keep questioning my gender and sexuality, and it coupled with a following sense of complete doom because of the unfixable suckage level of my life drives me crazy. Maybe it would be easier for me to get the answer if I was a normally functioning member of the society who could normally contact with people and not a complete disaster that destroys everything it touches for both myself and everyone else, but right now I don’t know what to do. But one thing is certain - I want to be dead. I deserve nothing, and I should get literally nothing. Forever.

In any case, to the good stuff. I made a video game journal, and the movie journal is kinda in progress. It wasn’t very hard because I don’t play shit, but isn’t that great to have one?


The movie journal is done. It was kinda fun trying to recall every movie I’ve seen. Other than that, nothing happened. Also I think should make the list sometime.


My sleep schedule is fucked up beyong recovery, and I’ve completely lost the sense of time. But, in any case, I don’t need to attend anything so I can give no shit for now. I did some work on the website today and managed to find the point and click games I played as a child. Also I feel guilty for not talking to one of my old friends for so long, so probably I should write him a letter or something.


I hate my body. I hate myself. I hate my country. I hate the fact I can’t deal with the stupid people I have to be with. There’s no fucking escape out of this. I’m doomed for life. Please, please, someone, make it stop.


My life became a nightmare. After I wrote the yesterday’s entry, one person decided to “cheer me up” by threatning me with physical abuse again. I don’t know what they expected, but it pushed me the closest to ending my life by all possible means yet, and now just a single thought about my further life makes me go nuts. Also I finally tried cutting myself. I didn’t do a great job at it, but I was very satisfied in any case. I could barely sleep and was falling apart the whole day, but it wasn’t as bad as yesterday’s evening. I wish they pushed me just a little bit farther, freeing me out of this shit.


The shit is getting better, I guess? In any case, I’m still really fucking tired and now also slightly physically damaged. I’m trying my absolute best at not giving a shit but not always successfully. I think I need to finally watch or play something. Also I started obsessively questioning my gender identity once again, and I’m so tired of that. I wish my mom never gave me a reason to think about it.


I finally started watching movies again, and this website now has secret pages. Other than that, the time passes too fucking quickly.


The sleep schedule got even more fucked up, and I got even lazier. I’m just falling apart. I hope it gets better soon.


Good things that happened:

Bad things that happened:


I finally decided to use a cloud file storage for backing up my private shit. It happened because I suddenly remembered about rclone which apparently works with a fuckton of providers and even allows to mount folders. Other than that, everything’s getting worse. I wanted to die even more than yesterday and was going to try burning my skin to feel even more pain. I see absolutely no escape out of this doom. Maybe I should the list of problems with me and/or a suicide note just for in case.


No list yet. I still want to kill myself, but at least I didn’t hurt myself today. I’m still not sure about my gender, but I do want to try out a feminine voice just for my interest’s sake. I’ll probably fail because my vocal abilities are virtually non-existent, and I’m lazy as fuck, but when have those reasons ever stopped me. (Actually, they always do.) Also it turned out there was an MFSB song I hadn’t heard before. Other than that, I was as unproductive as you can imagine.


My schedule suddenly got fucked up again, and so did my mood. I just don’t feel alive at all. The only good thing that happened is me discovering colornames.org - the website where you can give name to any hex color. I did so for some of interesting ones. Also I got mistakingly IP-banned, but shit happens, I guess.

By the way, here’s a couple of funky songs I’ve discovered (or, actually, rediscovered because I’ve already heard future funk remixes of them) in the last days:


I decided to move into another room, and it forced me to finally sort out the complete mess in the house. I’m tired as fuck now, but it’s better for me, I guess? I’m still questioning my decision, but I always do that. Pretty much nothing else happened, and I still wish I was dead.


I updated some shit on this website. That’s it? Basically, I was doing nothing except overeating and overhydrating the whole day. I still keep questioning my decision, but now I’m also trying to make myself accept that changing things around sometimes is a never a bad idea. The same thing with my gender - I should just gradually try out feminine things and see how I feel, but I still can’t take my mind off obsessively thinking about it all the time. I won’t be able to go to the therapist (I’m scared and also fucked considering what country I live in) or come out to anyone (which will be really dangerous if I do) in any case, so why even bother. I’m still thinking of making the list, but this diary already sums up everything wrong with my life pretty good. Though, for the sake of being straightforward, I’ll still probably do that.


The List has been made, and the GitLab Pages version of this website now has a 404 page too. Also it turned out I forgot to do the monthly Web Archive backup of this website, so I did it today. I should probably make a script to make the process a little bit easier. Other than that, nothing changed.


I feel like I’m done for. I attached The List to my assignment in hopes of someone sometime helping me. I’m pretty sure no one will give a shit, but I’m not gonna stop hiding it everywhere until someone does.


My life is a nightmare once again, and I see no escape.


Still no escape, but I temorarily stopped giving a shit. It’ll make everything worse and won’t fix anything again, but I don’t have any other choice. Other than that, I did a little bit of work on the website and added a new secret page. Also I found out that Gunbuster March sounds similar to the French national anthem.


The shit’s so boring, I wish I could end it. Also keeping myself from panicking is mostly successful for now. I did some work on the website and added one more secret page I’ve been thinking of adding for a long time.


Everything got fucked up again, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take it this time. On the bright side, I started watching Serial Experiments Lain, which is, for some reason, kind of popular on Neocities, and so far it’s been really damn good.


It’s getting even more fucked up, and I don’t know what to do. But, in any case, I managed to get my mind of thinking about triggering topics and constantly panicking by working on the website. It now has a yearbook and even more custom backgrounds (on Neocities). Also I didn’t quite have time to watch Lain technically today, so I’ll probably deprive myself from sleep to do that.


The only things I managed to do today are sleeping and watching anime.


I was bored as fuck, and nothing interesting happened. The time passes too damn fast and too damn slow at the same time.


Oh. God. I finally had enough balls to send The List to my mom, and we actually properly talked about it. I couldn’t be any happier. I now finally have a chance of talking about my problems with an actual specialist, though, I’m still extremely anxious about it. Maybe I should write the second list.


I felt pretty happy. Other than that, the only thing I did is adding one more secret page.


Even fewer things happened today, and I definitely felt much less happy. Also I’m getting more and more confused in myself on all fronts possible. Here’s another cool song I’ve recently been listening to: Grover Washington, Jr. - Just the Two of Us.


Just by an accident, I happened to check my email, and it turned out someone had written me from a throwaway asking if I’m okay several days ago. Well, shit. Whoever they are, they greatly overestimated my ability to quickly reply to emails. I hope they recieved my reply, or else it’ll be kinda sad. Maybe I should write some guidelines for writing me emails, where I say that I’m a slow piece of fuck. In any case, I still felt kinda shitty, and recieving that letter introduced an indescribable surreal feeling. Also I spent a significant amount of time making the icons for the Neocities version of the website so the shit looks great.


Nothing happened, but, at least, I was mostly successful at not giving a shit about anything. The email page is not done yet, and I’m also now planning to switch my home directory to systemd-homed, which is apparently available right out of the box in Fedora. Also I’ve been running out content lately, so I’ll probably watch some films or whatever tomorrow.


The email page is done, and it even has a dark theme. Its appearance was inspired by the scene from Super Mario 64, where mario recieves a letter from Pricess Peach. The systemd-homed migration hasn’t begun yet because I’m not sure if my display manager will properly handle it. Other than that, my mood was still okay, and the film I hope I’m going to watch after writing this entry is 2001: A Space Oddysey.


I still managed to not overthink too much and avoid fucking everything up again, but the day was sooooo boring. I tried moving to systemd-homed but failed because of a probable bug. I did watch 2001: A Space Oddysey in the end, and it was fucking amazing, but I feel so bad for pirating movies. I wish I had money for streaming services.


I woke up pretty late and didn’t have enough time to get bored. I did some work on a super secret writing project, and that’s about it.


Basically, the same as yesterday but without writing and with some panicking. Overall, could be worse. Also I discovered the details HTML tag, which basically does the same as my half-assed hack that I used on the home page of this website. Maybe I’ll replace it sometime.


Basically, I spent the whole day improving my rice - mainly scripts and configs. I also tried to move my GUI apps from dnf to flatpak, but ended up moving only non-GTK 3 ones. Some of the problems that arose were the ignored fontconfig (which also happened in non-GTK 3 apps), the ignored GTK config, and the missing GTK font anti-aliasing. I could only fix the first two, and I really already tried everything to fix the last one to no avail. I’ll try to solve the problem tomorrow, and probably more some more apps.


The anti-aliasing problem was successfully solved using extreme hackery, so I moved the GTK 3 apps to Flatpak too. I also tried moving Firefox, but the Flatpak version, for an uknown reason, is significantly slower, so I’ll keep using the Fedora version until it gets fixed. I’m not sure if I made the best decision by using Flatpak, and I also started questioning everything I know about sandboxing, software distribution, and hardware rendering acceleration. Thinking about that made me remember an insane idea I had in the past - writing a toy operating system. Considering how good my projects are at not surviving, and the fact that I now have another 2 insane ideas, it’s bold to think I’ll even attempt that. Other than that, my mood has recently been not too much crappy, and I’m thinking of reconnecting with the old friends I’ve left because of the 2018 bullshit.


Literally nothing happened. Reconnecting is still kinda in progress, and now I also have an idea to add credits (something like the End Poem) to the website.


I reconnected with one friend, and the website credits are finally here. And, oh boy, I’ve gotta tell you, they were hard as fuck to make, and I’m so satisfied with the result. I couldn’t be any happier.


I was going to add background music for the website credits but in the end did absolutely nothing. I’ll probably still add it later, but using Kevin MacLeod’s music or something because I can’t compose for shit. Also I experimented with the Flatpak version of Firefox a little bit, and it turns out turning off the hardware-accelerated compositing makes it run smooth (except scrolling). The dnf version of Firefox experiences the exact opposite, and it’s really weird, but I think I’ll be able to solve that mystery soon. It probably has something to do with the default config, and I don’t know yet how to properly compare them.


I caught myself not pushing the commit with a diary entry the day before again. Weird. In any case, the only interesting that happened is me launching the unpublished game I made 4 years ago and cringing because it’s complete shit and uses outdated and unfunny memes. Also I continued my Flatpak research, and I’m becoming more satisfied with my decision to switch. Currently I’m thinking of submitting bug reports to the repos of some applications that I use and that for some reason don’t use native file dialogs.


Almost right after writing yesterday’s entry, I discovered that TLauncher is on Flathub. Wow, that’s the last thing I expected to find there. In any case, now I use it instead of whatever I used before. Also I discovered that, when sandboxed, Glib uses plain text keyfiles to store GSettings, which is really cool. I now have them properly backed up, and I also made my home folder hierarchy a little bit less fucked up. I’m pretty interested in all of this cutting-edge stuff, and the next exciting thing for me will probably be when some useful Wayland protocol extensions finally become standard (you can track the progress on the wayland-protocols bugtracker).

Actually today, however, nothing almost happened. I made a Vistaserv.net home page for some reason, but I didn’t find much to put there. Also my sleep schedule is getting more and more fucked up and I still overeat a lot.


For the most of the day, I felt fucking awful, and nothing interesting happened. I tried to fix some Firefox stuff, but in the end discovered the WLR_DRM_NO_ATOMIC=1 wlroots parameter that somehow fixed multiple lags (including the cursor one) and, according to my educated guess, probably even the GPU hang. What an interestings stuff happens when you have shitty hardware. Afterwards, I finally got my hands on tweaking the Firefox smooth scrolling, and I think I was successful.

Update 2020-05-16: the hang is still here. God fucking dammit.


Once again, my phone is being repaired, and I’m left with my PC only. Goddammit. Basically, I spent most of the day sleeping and the rest feeling like shit. The only interesting thing that happened is me finding this article about the modern Web, with which I fully agree.


The website credits became even more spectacular. Yeah, that’s, basically, the only thing that happened except me annoying the Flathub maintainers.


The phone is no longer being repaired because it literally blew up. Thank god it didn’t happen at home. I guess I’ll have to buy another one. Other than that, they day was a little bit crappy. I recently discovered the album Cotton by Akira Jimbo, and it’s fucking amazing. It’s so catchy despite being so sad, and I can’t stop listening to it. I’ll add it to the playlist some day.


Yesterday I made my wallpaper change daily instead of daily and after each relaunch, and the whole day I was thinking about if used the right URL so it actually changes, but seems like it does. In any case, I started uploading the pre-2016 demo pages, and the work is currently extremely work in progress. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to obtain any actual HTML pages, but I will probably get at least screenshots. But even if I don’t, I’ll just recreate them by memory, like I did with the 2012 one. Also I did add Cotton to the playlist just like I promised yesterday.


I was bored beyond belief and felt like an absolute ass. Nothing happened at all. The only thing I want to do is to document the last bits of my life left and just stop existing.


The most fucked up thing that happened today is that I forgot how to type. Yes, I’m not kidding. I still can type somehow, but it’s now extremely uncomfortable, and I’m almost using my left hand only. It wasn’t so bad yesterday, and I don’t know how this could possibly happen. I guess I’ll have to relearn how to use the keyboard. Anyway, while I wasn’t looking (for 2 years), the AV1 video codec got much better support, and it even turned out it’s now able to synthesize film grain. God bless the people who added this feature and made it mandatory to implement. I’m so hyped. Other than that, I feel kinda better - I finally fixed a bug in ethmenu and obtained the screenshots of my pre-website demo pages, and, apparently, not all of them are form 2015.


Right after waking up, I got reminded that I need to study, which was the thing I needed the least. If you’ve read The List, you know the deal. In any case, nothing I’d planned was done, and I’m now even more confused about why I forgot how to type. It seems like it has something to do with the posture of my hands, and I have no idea how to fix it. Right now I’m trying to type this entry using a more or less correct way of typing, and it’s uncomfortable and slow as fuck. Also using hotkeys, which I have to use a lot, is painful as hell. Maybe because it’s actually not correct, and I need to watch some videos on the topic. I’m so confused.


The thing I’ve been thinking about recently is that aren’t I supposed talk to someone about me questioning my gender? I mean, it’s a horrible idea, especially considering who I live with, but shouldn’t I? In any case, everything’s fucked up, but I’m trying to stay chill. I probably won’t be able to do that for a long period time, but I’m trying. Nothing interesting happened except me being still not knowing how to type and recreating 2 more pre-website demo pages.


I’m doomed. There’s absolutely no chance that in this place and with this people I won’t be left badly damaged for life and will have any oppurtunity to live a normal life. There’s no one that can possibly help me and no way I can kill myself get out of this misery, and it’s driving me fucking insane. I’m so pathetic, I can’t do anything other than temporarily distract myself from this nightmare just to realize later that the problem is still here and will be here no matter what I do.

That is exactly what I was thinking about after I woke up. As you can see, I managed to distract myself again. Cool. All pre-website demo pages are finally here, and I can finally die happily. Or maybe not yet. I have an idea to make a list of my dead and unlisted projects and also a kink list. For obvious reasons, I’ll have to hide the latter pretty deep. But if you’re reading this, you already know where to look.

By the way, another Neocitizen, Otaking (by the way, how do you even pronounce that? Otah-king, oh-taking? My brain uses the latter, but something tells me it’s incorrect) bookmarked me. His description of my website is mostly (I’m jackshit of an actual programmer) correct, and it’s pretty cool that someone liked my website. Big thanks to djbdev for doing the same.


Nothing noteworthy happened, except I (partially) did what I promised.


I fell asleep at 5 AM after several hours of discussion of kinks and some weird shit from r/isitnormalto and could barely wake up at 6 PM. I’m literally writing this entry 2 hours after waking up, and I feel barely alive. Help.


I got a little bit nicer sleep today but still didn’t do shit. I added the best anime openings page, and it’s probably a bit controversial, but who gives a shit. Some more additions to the website are planned, but I’m lazy as fuck to do anything.


The day began really roughly. One person decided that it’d be a good idea to scream at and threaten me to give me some motivation, so I expectedly blew up again and cut myself, but this time with the biggest knife I could find. Man, it was so much sharper than I expected - you can probably chop a person in half with it if you try. Luckily, I didn’t try to chop myself in half and just damaged my hand. Considering the cut was more than half a centimeter deep, it’s good that I didn’t touch any veins or something. Have I aimed better, I’d still be here but suffer even more. The aftermath of all this shit took quite some time to take care of, and, as you can expect, I didn’t do shit again. I’ve also recently been thinking of how cool it’d be to just be reborn as a better person in a better place because of how much time I’ve already wasted and how I’m probably never going to be truly satisfied even if I change anything.


Once again, I woke up and had no time to do anything but enough time to get extremely frustrated. Can I just please not wake up? Also it seems like the things in terms of studying are even more fucked up than I thought, but what can I do? In any case, I wasted the whole day watching videos from a newly discovered YouTube channel - Captain Disillusion and, as usual, overeating.

On top of that, instead of a song or a voice being stuck in my head, this shit was:



I’m so fucking tired. I’m barely able to do anything other than sleeping, which is really bad, considering how much shit I need to and how many ideas I have for new stuff for this website. Also I’m only getting more and more frustrated with my hardware, and I think I should start thinking about buying a new PC.


I tried to get some good sleep and, despite having difficulties falling asleep, was mostly successful. I spent the whole day doing assignments I was supposed to do a long time ago to not worsen the already fucked up situation even more. I, of course, am trying my best (or maybe not), but the sense of doom is still here, and is probably going to stay for a long time. Also I got another idea for a blogpost, which is going to be released… sometime.


Right after writing the previous entry, I decided to finally implement the project journal, which took me a lot of time and effort, but it looks cool in the end, I guess. Overall, not much happened today, except I finally managed to convince my parents to sort out the file mess on their PC and upgrade the OS. Many things for this website are still planned like, for example, the device journal, which I’m probably going to make soon. Also I’ve recently been thinking a lot about digital video and what drawbacks it has compared to film, but why have I even been doing that if that’s inevitable in any case? Meanwhile, the sense of doom is still kinda here, and I’m getting more and more sure that unless someone for some reason decides to help me, my life’s never gonna get better.


Even the dream I had today was more interesting than the day itself. I’m still in progress of helping my parents with their mess, and nothing new was added to the website except one secret document. There was an idea to update the playlist with some soundtracks, but fuck it. I have to attend that military commision shit tomorrow, and I’m, of course, nervous as fuck and don’t want to see a single person, but it’s not like there’s any choise.


Oof. This was quite a fucked up day. After writing the previous entry, I suddenly got really tired just like the day before and spent several hours lying in the bathtub thinking how much I’m digusted with my body, my thoughts, things I do, and my very existence. After waking up, I barely managed to get on time to the military comission because of some misplanning, but the commision itself, despite make me nervous as fuck, passed very quickly. The thing that didn’t pass quickly, however, was the fact that it made me think about how much fucked up my life is and spoiled the whole day. The day itself was boring as hell because of my complete lack of motivation to do anything, so I entertained myself my watching Mark Rober‘s (another newly discovered by me YouTube channel’s) videos.

By the way, I decided to finally try out Discord, and this shit pulled out a Twitter-like “non-mandatory” phone verification card. I swear to Jesus, Allah, Cthulhu, Buddah, and the fucking Flying Spaghetti Monster that not a single goddamn service on this planet will have a luxury of having my phone number anymore. Depending on my mood, I’ll either register another account or purge both this garbage and Twitter with fire.


The intense sense of doom hasn’t gone anywhere, and I’m still constantly fantasizing about killing myself, but some good things did happen. My phone is finally back (well, kind of because it’s actually a different phone but of the same model), and the GPU hang fix seems to be already on its way to my PC with the 5.7 kernel update. Also I learned some cool things about Flatpak like the simplied (un)install syntax (flatpak install gimp instead of flatpak install flathub org.gimp.GIMP) and the fact that Netsurf and Neovim are on Flathub. Additionaly I decided to check out such a thing as Bedrock Linux, and it turned out it’s much more impressive than I thought, and I might even try it out in a VM some day.


God, just fucking kill me. Each day gets only worse and worse. I have absolutely no motivation and no reason to continue being alive. What am I even supposed to do?


Basically, everything’s still the same. The only exception is that I spent an enourmous amount of time experimenting with Flatpak packaging by (unsuccesfully) trying to port khansoul. I managed to package the app itself, which is cool, but it turned out making terminal emulators work across different process namespaces is kinda difficult due to a certain PTY bullshit, so I gave up for now. Also the whole thing is pretty hacky - the terminal child process (the shell) has to be spawned with flatpak-spawn --host or by doing some D-Bus magic on org.freedesktop.Flatpak. I wish Glib/VTE just provided this out of the box.


I woke up really late, so nothing managed to happen. I felt kinda happy when falling asleep, but today is averagely shitty. I did some minor work on the website and am probably going to do more after writing this entry. The thing that’s on my mind currently is, as you can see, Flatpak because I really like it and really want to do something interesting with it. Also I’ve been recently thinking about bying a Neocities Supporter subscription and my own domain, but I’m not sure how good this idea is, considering I don’t earn any money.


Yours truly now owns kevinson.org, which now hosts the GitLab Pages version of the website. This is the first domain name I’ve ever bought in my life. I spent the whole day configuring the shit so it works, and, despite every day still being torture and uncertainty about my future, I’m pleased. I’m not sure if I’m going to buy a Neocities Supporter subscription now because it’s expensive as fuck for me, but I swear I will sometime.


I fell asleep pretty early but still woke up late as fuck. As you can expect, I did nothing and spent the whole day watching talks on YouTube and other stuff.


For the most of the day, I just didn’t feel like being awake and was doing nothing except listening to the same 2 albums I listen to every day. Then I discovered the Extended Date Time Format, which forced me to rewrite every uncertain date on this website. It also forced me to finally finish and publish the device journal. Meanwhile, in terms of me studying, everything is getting only more and more fucked up, and I wish more and more that I just don’t wake up the next day.


I fucking can’t. Someone, please, just end my existence now. I can’t take a single fucking day more of being this person in this place. I’m just completely fucked for life, and there’s no one who will possibly help me. God, I hate myself so much. Writing this very text feels so awful because it’s my stupid words, generated by my useless goddamn brain, that I have to tolerate all the fucking time because I just can’t stop thinking and can’t stop speaking because I’m forced to participate in my terrible existence, which is a complete joke for both myself and everyone else. The only thing I want to do with this body and this mind is throw it into a volcano to be never seen by anyone again. What the fuck am I even supposed to do in this situation? While I sometimes manage ignore it, each day gets only worse and worse, and it’s only I who’s responsible for this shit, and I can’t fucking handle it. There’s absolutely no single reason for me to still be alive, but there’s also no escape, and it’s driving me insane.


I spent most of the day sleeping and the rest doing nothing, but who gives a shit if nothing interesting would happen in any case.


Another day of sleeping and nothing happening. I’m really unsure what to do with my life. Every year gets worse and worse, and I feel like I’m gonna break completely pretty soon. It seems like visiting a therapist would be a good idea, but how do I even do that? Also what am I supposed to do in case it turns out I’m completely fine and there’s no one for sure that can help me? The fact that I might be transgender also bothers me a lot. I need to do something until it’s too late, but I can’t because I’m really unsure about what these people can do to me if I come out and if I’ll be beaten up to death or something by people on the street. Also will I even be able to study and/or work at all? This sucks so much.


The day began with me discovering a conflict between DistroTube and the GNOME Foundation on the latter’s code of counduct. I did some research, and it seems like it was caused by GNOME using poor (complicated and easy to misunderstand) wording. I sent them an (I hope not annoying) email just in case.

Other than that, it was another quickly passing but exhausting day day, except… I’m now a Neocities Supporter. I’m not really sure how well I’ll be able to pull $5/mo, but who cares. I’m so glad to finally support a project I like. Also both versions of this website are now under kevinson.org, and I can update my website with WebDAV, which should cause me much less headache.


God, each day passes more and more quickly. Nothing interesting happened except the addition of the pet journal.


I finally redesigned the playlist and added the trip journal. Also I figured out how to make GitLab job artifacts self-destruct thanks to this GitLab docs entry and this script. Other than that, the fact that I’m doomed is becoming more and more painful for not only myself but also the people I live with.


This day passed so damn quickly, I nearly forgot to write this entry. Basically, I spent the whole day desperately trying to improve my studying situation, but some interesting things did happen. While going down the Wikipedia rabbit hole instead of falling asleep, I accidentally bumped into such thing as “googlewhacking”, which it turns out I’ve already kinda been doing without knowing the term, and it made me watch an excellent story called The Googlewhack Adventure made by Dave Gorman. Also the GNOME Foundation replied to my email (3 days ago :)), and the proposal to make the thing more understandable is currently being reviewed. Cool.


The fact that everything is so fucked up made the people I live with be asking me what the hell I’m going to even more than before. I don’t fucking know what to do; if I knew, I’d already do it, so stop asking. I also had to meet one of my teachers, and I hate him so fucking much. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good teacher but an awful person. He talked some shit about me after we met, and I want to ram his ugly motherfucking face into concrete for that. By the way, I’ve been offered a specific therapist by one of my relatives, and I’m making an appointment tomorrow. Cool, I guess? I doubt how good the one I’m going to is, but I guess there’s no way to find a decent one in this city in any case. I emailed him some links to this website, so I hope he has enough material to work with. Regarding the website itself, I added some soundtracks to the playlist and ran out of things to do by now. Obviously, I’m still going to do daily updates, but my website TODO is currently empty. If you’re a fellow Neocitizen, I don’t know, you recommend me something to add.


So I visited the therapist. According to him, my problem is just severe sociophobia and anger mismanagement. He also said that I can’t possibly be sure about my gender and sexuality because I haven’t tried anything yet, but that makes sense. Also I somehow forgot to mention my extreme procrastination problem. I’m still not sure how much I can trust him, but whatever. My brain doesn’t want to be fixed but left alone to let it die in any case, so I’ve gotta do something until it’s too late. The whole thing left me really tired for the rest of the day, so I didn’t do shit.


Not much happened today. My schedule is still fucked up, and I’m still wasting my time on random shit instead of improving my life. I made the website gateway, which I’m probably going to move into a separate project and display on the root of kevinson.org.


I have an exam tomorrow, which is really bad because my sleep schedule hasn’t got any better yet. Just like yesterday, I spent the whole day overeating but not doing anything else this time.


I took the exam, and it was really fucked up. We barely had any time, and I almost didn’t manage to send my shit. Also it turned out I have another completely unrelated exam tomorrow, about which I forgot a long time ago. Other than that, I did some minor accessibility work on the website.


Right after writing the previous entry, I discovered that Flexbox is fucked up, which made me fall asleep much later than I expected. And I still have one page (the credits), where I didn’t manage to fix the shit. In any case, I took the fucking exam, and it was awful. Not because the exam was bad, but because I felt like an absolute ass after only 5 hours of sleep and 3 hours of sitting in a mask being barely able to breathe. Also I didn’t prepare for shit, but it wasn’t that hard in any case. I spent the rest of the day sleeping because why not.


As I slept yesterday, I decided not to sleep at all. Instead I was diving deep into the Wikipedia rabbit hole. It turned out we had another exam today, which was even more fucked up than the previous one, and will have one tomorrow. 4 hours after today’s exam, I couldn’t help myself but fall asleep for the rest of the day again. It seems like I had 11 hours of sleep, and now I’m wondering how the fuck am I supposed to sleep again.


Basically, I was sleeping and wasting my time on nothing while feeling like lksjd hf asdilfhasdlkfjh slkdjf hlaskdjf hsilduf hsaldkadhoijAS LASKDH HLAKJhLKJhLKJHLJKHLKjh lkjhLKjHlkjh elkjhlkjHLKJhLKJhLKJH SLUSHASDFIUH ASDLIFSLA jLjhLKJjlk sdhflksjdf hlaskjdflk. God, I wish I just didn’t wake up. No work on the website has been done, but I’ve been thinking of separating the diary and the dream journal by months instead of years, but I’m not sure what to do with broken permalinks. Maybe I’ll just add a redirect or something. Or maybe I just won’t do anything. Also a new very secret page is coming, so watch out.


I decided not to separate anything, but I did something else - 2006 to 2018 dream journals are now merged into one, the yearbook is now the diary summary, and I tried to put into words the rules I live by. I have an exam tomorrow, the hardest one of them all, and I’ll most likely fail it. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do afterwards, but whatever.

By the way, I’ve finally found out the source of the walking Putin meme song - Song for Denise by Piano Fantasia. Holy fuck, it sounds amazing. The 80s vibes are so strong and hit you harder than a brick wall. Another cool song that I’ve heard recently (not actually, I was just a lazy piece of shit and not writing about it) is polyriddim by Phonon. It was quite a while since I’ve heard and liked a dubstep song, but this song seems to have changed it. I’m not sure what it exactly is cool about it, but it my ears really enjoy it.


So I took the exam. I already know how good (bad) I did, so I won’t even bother checking. We have the last one tomorrow, and I’ll finally be free for 2 months until I get mentally raped again. Other than the exam, it was a pretty boring day. Out of nothing to do, I watched the entire Stallman’s talk on 2019-08-27. He used the same slides as he did countless times before, but the talk itself was different, and the ending was kinda surprising. I also decided to experiment on my face in FaceApp, which I now regret doing. Not only Facebook has now seen my face, but I now also know that I’m so fucking ugly even for a robot.


The exam is done, but my suffering isn’t. I was sleeping for the most of the day and working on the website for the rest of it. I did some tweaks to the light theme and finally published a monthly blogpost.


Before falling asleep, I noticed that the light theme was still fucked up, so I fixed it again. The day itself was exhaustingly boring, and I’m not really sure what I’m going to do for the rest of the summer. Also I have an appointment with a different therapist on Monday, and I’m scared as fuck, but it’s for the better, I guess. By the way, I checked out other Piano Fantasia songs, and they’re great too.


Another kinda boring day but not as bad as yesterday. I still wasn’t sure if I made the right choice with the color, so I spent like 2 hours trying other ones. In the end I just gave up - this one looks good enough for my favorite. Additionaly I updated the list of my most/least favorite colors to include more accurate stuff. Also, as I said, I’m visiting a therapist romorrow, and I’m still scared of it. My mom swears they can’t involuntarily hospitalize me, but I’m still not 100% sure. My other concern is that the only way I can tell them what’s wrong is to show them this website, which would be extremely awkward, considering how much stuff there is. One more concern is my gender identity. I doubt I’m actually transgender, but I absolutely don’t want them to investigate that. Not considering where I fucking live.


The therapist visit was alright. The hospital was relatively a shithole, but the therapist themself was nice enough to me. Obviously, I couldn’t tell what’s going in with me (though I managed to mention this website), so my mom had to explain everything. She did that pretty accurately, so I guess everything’s gonna be fine. I spent the rest of the day doing weird shit like deepfrying images.

Here’s some music I’ve recently discovered:


My therapy officially started today. After being asked weird questions for several hours, they gave me a pill and said to come back in 2 days to tell if it had any effect on me. I’ll need to take it before falling asleep at night, and, according to them, it’ll sort out my thoughts. They also said they’ll give me antidepressants when my body adapts to the medication. I didn’t have much to do for the rest of the day, so I just fell asleep for like 5 hours. That was good because I only slept 3 hours at night, but I hope I’ll sleep better today.


The pill had no effect. Or, at least, no effect I’ve never had before. I spent the day doing things for my website like the subscription page, which now also has my Reddit subscriptions, and moving Jerk Forward, with which I’m 100% not affiliated in any way, to a separate website. Currently I’m thinking of publishing some of my unlisted stuff, which I’ll probably do soon.


Oooooooooof. ToberUberStobe: The Movie‘s screenplay is here, and NullBrowser is almost here - I spent several hours torturing myself with the git quirks instead of sleeping, and I’m almost done. The only thing left is correct commit dates, but it’s gonna be painful as fuck to do. I wish I just used git instead of plain files back then. By the way, the kernel update that was supposed to fix the GPU hang is already here, but it seems like some workaround is still needed. Also GTK 4 seems to be close to being released, and I’m kinda excited.

One thing, however, that’s not here is my sleep schedule. I slept for 3 hours at night again, which forced me to sleep the whole day. I feel like an absolute ass, and I’m not sure what to do now. Also I feel like I might have fever or something, but I hope not. My therapy, meanwhile, is going well, I guess? One doctor looked into my history, and another doctor forced me to answer almost 600 motherfucking questions. I’ll also have to visit them tomorrow again, so they can actually tell what’s going on with me. As you can guess, because of all of this shit, I didn’t have much time to do anything with my projects after the therapy, but I hope I’ll have some tomorrow or at least on the weekend.


It seems like the pill fucked up my blood pressure, and that’s why I’ve been feeling bad. I hope the effect will disappear when my body adapts to it. They gave an additional pill so I sleep better, and it seems like it works (that’s why I’m writing this on the next day, actually). By the way, no progress on the projects yet.


While my blood pressure is still fucked up, NullBrowser is finally here thanks to this awful script I wrote, and the 2019 Moscow trip photos are also here thanks to a lot of patience. Also some more interesting stuff was added secretly, but you’ll find it yourself.


My blood pressure is slowly getting better, but my overeating problem is only getting worse. While the day was still kinda boring, some interesting things did happen. ethmenu and khansoul now finally both have desktop entries and custom app icons. I also wanted to add AppStream metainfo but was too lazy. I also finally decided to play with Discord and added myself to a couple of servers, including a Neocities one and a Fedora one. Let’s see how well it goes.


The Gunbuster clock. The thing I wasted the whole day on. That’s it.

By the way, my medication dose was increased, and now my blood pressure is no longer getting better. Shit.


It was awful. I don’t think the dose increased even a bit, but I felt like I was about to explode. It was so uncomfortable in absolutely any position doing any type of activity. I decided to watch a movie to distract myself, but, oh God, it made it even worse. Afterwards, the things I was seeing were as if they were getting burned into my eyes. This shit was completely overtaking me, and I couldn’t resist it even by closing my eyes. The only thing I wanted to do was to scream, which I eventually did, as no one else was home at the time. In the end, because of no solution found, I took my sleeping pills. When my parents arrived, they couldn’t help me, but the sleeping pills seem to have handled my situation. I’m not sure if I should ever even touch this preparation again.

By the way, I’ve finally got a haircut.


This was an awesome day. Not only I was given an additional preparation, and now I no longer feel like shit, but I also finally bought a new PC. Yes, I actually did it. It was kinda spontaneous, and I was very unsure if I didn’t fuck up, but in the end I now have a fast as shit computer.


Another spontaneous purchase - a 4k monitor. I’m not even sure if my hardware can handle it, but we’ll see in 2 days. Other than that, it was a pretty boring day, and I entertained myself by writing and editing some shit.


Anothing boring day. I made some minor CSS impovements on the website, but that’s about it.


The 4k monitor is here. Not the best one, of course, but here. As I expected, 4k looks stunning (especially on text), but my hardware is not quite powerful enough, and there’s not much 4k content I can see. Also the display is also quite not the best one, considering the unevenly lit backlight and fucked up colors when looking from the below, but it’s not like I have any choice now. Other than that, it was another boring day. It seems like there was another conflict of someone with GNOME - this time mpv. While I understand their struggles (the lack of support of some protocols is the exact reason I don’t like GNOME Shell while liking their apps and libraries), their initial reaction (just outright blocking the player from launching on GNOME) was completely stupid and ridiculous, and I’m glad that they changed everything back.


The monitor problem was partially solved by bying an EPIC gamer chair and using these parameters:

It still looks like ass but not as much. I guess I’ll have to also lift up my bed somehow or watch movies seated, but we’ll see. Nothing else worth talking about happened today.


Monitor torture continues. I was offered to exchange this one for a different one, but it seems like the ones this cheap are all crap. Well, dammit. The only thing I can do now is to find a perfect height of my chair and distance from my bed. But at least it’s in 4k. Not much other than that happened today, except I discovered a wonderful album, Smokin’ Prelude by Keiko Amae, by misclicking. Every song is just so amazing and fits my ears perfectly, like Mint Jams.